Why Do I Worry So Much About What Other People Think?

Do you ever worry about what other people think of you? Perhaps you've made a small mistake and spent hours imagining how others might react. It's remarkable how quickly an innocent moment can turn into an elaborate story about what people must be thinking. And sometimes, the stories we tell ourselves are rather more entertaining than the reality.

As I stared over the top of the laptop to what I like to call the big PC, I saw the list of personal emails just sitting there but continually calling for my attention.  And there, right in the middle was a huge booboo.  The weekly email from Just Breathe. 

Obsessed with testing, I am on my own mailing list and like to preview the emails before I send them out.  There’s something about typos that seem to magically appear just as a document is sent out.  I sort of assume I'll get the heading right - that curiosity driving thread that has you simply dying to open the email.... 

Last week's mail was all about the festival of Inbolg, also known as Inbolc, but never, as I referred to it, Inblob!  As I stared at my little typo, the only thing I could think about was Blobby, Blobby, Blobby.  It really was up there with my last misdemeanor which involved missing the "tit" out of competition.

Why Do We Fear Making Mistakes?

Now I know that making a mistake is not the end of the world but to a recovering perfectionist it feels quite close.  It comes with an entire back story of losing face, looking unprofessional and not being accepted if people know who we really are.  

As I said, I'm recovering and these days laughing at mistakes comes a little easier.  I find that I can stand back and get things into perspective.   However, I realise that we can’t be told about these internal shifts, it’s something we have to experience in our own time. My breakthrough came to me  last year on retreat in Scotland. 

I signed up to a retreat on Holy Isle because I absolutely love the surroundings.  After signing up I thought it might be a good idea to check the timetable.  When I saw the amount of yoga involved I started to get cold feet.  I imagined myself beached on a yoga mat whilst the size 8 yoga goddesses gathered in the corners to judge.   I did have a sort of laughing and snorting outburst at a yoga class once and I haven't been back to Manchester since.

However, when I met up with the lovely group of people who attended the retreat; when we all followed the practices to the best of our individual ability; when no-one was actually bothered about my size, my outfit, my ability etc. etc. etc. I had an epiphany. 

Everything I expected to come at me from the outside world, was only coming at me from within. I was projecting all of my inner criticisms out into the world and then feeling rejected by those around me based on these imaginary stories.

"My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened.", Montaigne, French Philosopher.

It can take a while to work through this as we often get trapped in the content of the inner critic's story, or lost in a particular drama about a situation.  This ability to interrupt our experience and observe it is the theme of the Stress Interruption Method. 

It's really the process we need to look at, the wizard behind the curtain.  Are we being unkind to ourselves and projecting that inner criticism to those around?  Do we imagine someone has particular thoughts about us because deep down, we’re worried that there’s a vulnerability that we can’t face into? 

Learning to Be Kinder to Ourselves

The only way to work with our inner critic is to meet it with kindness because it's only through accepting our fallibility, with this wise kindness, that we really create the space to be ourselves and truly thrive as who we are.  Not who we think we’re expected to be. 

So maybe we can observe our thoughts and offer them the kindness we would offer a dear friend because this is how we begin to cultivate that gentle inner landscape.   But it's not always so straight forward which is why it might help to begin with offering unconditional kindness to others.  And if you're interested in the science, research suggests that kindness towards others can also benefit our own wellbeing. So in being kind to others, we may be doing something in our own deepest interest.

About the author

Julie Perrigo MSc is a qualified mindfulness teacher, Stress and Emotional Awareness Specialist and creator of the Stress Interruption Method.

She holds an MSc in Mindfulness from the University of Aberdeen, where her postgraduate research explored the use of a structured digital mindfulness programme to support stress and emotional wellbeing. Julie combines her research and teaching experience with more than 25 years working in corporate environments.

She is also the author of The Emotional Hustle and founder of Just Breathe Solutions, where her work focuses on helping people understand the patterns that can keep stress going and develop practical skills to interrupt them.